Help Us Celebrate Our 2nd Birthday!
Richard Laymon Kills! has been online for two years now and we want to thank you all for making the site what it is today! We just recently hit 50,000 visitors, and we couldn't have done it without all of you! Without you guys, we wouldn't be here! So, with the help of Richard Laymon, Headline UK, and Hodder Headline Australia, we're running our 2nd RLK! birthday competition where you could win BIG prizes!
December is our birthday month, so each week we'll be holding a competition to give away prizes and at the end of December the MAJOR prize signed by Richard Laymon himself will be won by one lucky reader!
LAYMON NURSERY RHYMES
This is the Major prize competition, which will run for the whole month of December. Submit your nursery rhymes (with suitable Laymonesque twist) by December 31 and you could win a copy of AMONG THE MISSING, Laymon's newest novel, before it is even released! Richard himself will be picking the MAJOR winner at the end of the competition. And, add to that, the fact that Richard will personally inscribe a message to the winner! So, get your thinking caps on, and submit your best Laymon nursery rhymes now! Enter as many times as you like!
Here's the RLK! example:
Jack and Jill went into the cave
To fetch a severed head,
Jack fell on a sharpened axe,
And Jill was shot through the head.
And here's Richard's example:
Weary Miss Rubdub
Lounged in a bathtub
Soaking her aches and pains.
Along came a vampire
Adrool with desire
And drained all the juice from her veins.
AND THE TOP 10 FINALISTS ARE: From Steve Joltin:
With the bracelet on
you think I'm gone
but I'm not dead
I'm in your head
Richard's Comments: I enjoyed this little tribute to BODY RIDES.
From Danny Richardson:
Richard Laymon took an axe,
Gave his readers forty whacks.
Then he seen what he done,
He gave Dean Koontz forty one.
Richard's Comments: Danny's poem is funny, but I'm still trying to figure out why hethinks I should give Dean Koontz (my good friend who has given me all sorts ofhelp and advice over the years) forty-one whacks. To eliminate some of thecompetition?
From Alyson Joltin:
He Didn't have a Clew!
Bill and Sue had been dating for a while,
when Sue said, "Now lets go the last mile,"
Bill flushed with desire, already excited,
finally his lust would be requited....
They walked hand in hand in the direction of Sue's house,
Bill had heard her mom was a sadist, her father a louse,
He followed her in, thinking, "I'm a studly winner,"
As Sue called out, "I brought someone for dinner"......
She led him slowly upstairs to the pristine shower,
He kissed her, grabbed her, infused with power,
feverishly they embraced, she was soft and lean,
Sue stopped and exclaimed, "First you get clean"....
As he was shoved under the spray, and she left the room,
Bill began to feel fear, trepadition and gloom,
Drying himself, Bill heard the boiling of water,
"Great," he thought, I get a meal AND sex with their daughter,....
His stomach rumbled, he could go for some stew,
He just hoped the talk of her folks wasn't true,
Sue burst in the door with her parents in tow,
Bill grabbed a towel, and thought "Oh God no,"
His eyes grew wider and he feared for his life,
When Sue's father pulled out the 13 inch knife.......
"But why," screamed Bill, confused by this haste,
"You see," said Sue's mom, "We just want a taste,"
Sue smiled at his flesh and licked her chops,
Her dad held him down, "Make the first cut Pops"......
So next time you're horny, and want a girl by your side,
turn down the invitation, it might just save your hide..........
Richard's Comments: "He Didn't Have a Clew" sounds like a good idea for ashort story or novel.
Humpty Dumpty had a big gun
Humpty Dumpty wanted some fun
He killed the King's horses and all the King's men
Then sucked their blood and felt better again
Richard's Comments: see below
Little Jack Horney sat in the whorehouse
watching the prostitute die
he'd taken her life with a big shiney knife
he thought "what a bad boy am I"
Richard's Comments: see below
To the tune of I'm a little teapot:
I'm a little zombie, short and dead
here is my hatchet, here is your head
when I get all worked up, watch me hack
through your stomach, out your back
Richard's Comments: Natalie's entries are very well written, grammatical, with the proper rhythmsand rhyming, and are also clever and funny. My favorites of hers are "I'm alittle zombie" and "Humpty Dumpty had a big gun," but all three are quitegood.
Georgy Porgy, evil and sly,
Slashed the girls and made them die;
When the boys came to save the day,
Georgy Porgy continued to slay.
Richard's Comments: Stefan's "Georgy Porgy" seems like quite a nasty little maniac. I like that"slashed the girls and made them die." Here's my own version:
Georgy Porgy, dressed in tweed,
Hacked the girls and made them bleed.
Done with slaying all the lasses
He hunkered down and . . .
Well, never mind. Maybe others would like to come up with the ending, so tospeak.
From Jason Lominski:
Satanist Jack and satanist Jill
Craved some fun, they needed to kill
Jill was an expert, she slaughtered a town
But Jack was a novice, his vomit wouldn't stay down
But Jack found his nerve, he hid in a kitchen
And carried out ghastly deeds more fiendish than fiction.
Richard's Comments: Jason "Satanist Jack" is really twisted and sick. I wonder whatJack did in the kitchen. Maybe he vomited in the chowder!
From David M. Zappia:
was a deluded old soul
And a deluded old soul was he
He called for his axe
He called for his knife
And he called for his victims to come to thee.
Every victim left their doors unlocked,
Left their front doors unlocked did they;
Then hack went the axe, splat went the knife,
Gurgle did the blood of a victim in strife.
To cool himself down,
Off to the graveyard went Stan,
For this is the tale of a vicious Madman.
Richard's Comments: I really enjoyed David's "Madman Stan." Cool how it deals with thecrazy guy from my story by that title.
From Tom Corey:
There once was a writer named Dick,
Whose books were all bloody and sick.
I buy every one,
'cause they're all so much fun.
But, I find that I read them too quick!
Richard's Comments: Tom Corey's "There once was a writer named Dick" is very clever and wellwritten. Of course, he is (among many other things) a professional musician so he's hada lot of experience writing song lyrics.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to write and submit nursery rhymes.
Hope everyone has a really great new year.
AND THE WINNER IS: Judge Laymon speaks!
"If I didn't know who wrote them, I probably would've chosen the Tom Corey entry as the winner. However,he showed his poem to me in advance. And he is a very good friend, who built my garage/office and to whom I dedicated AFTER MIDNIGHT!
If not for Tom's poem, I would select Natalie's "I'm a little zombie" poem as the winner. I also think her "Humpty Dumpty had a big gun" poem is quite good.
Weird situation. It wouldn't exactly be fair to declare Tom the winner, but it wouldn't be fair to exclude him entirely since he actually did submit the poem and he shouldn't necessarily be penalized because he's my friend.
It might be nice to declare a tie -- give them both the title of winner, but have Natalie receive the book and signed book plate!"
AND SO IT WAS!
NATALIE *AND* TOM COREY!
TIED WINNERS IN THE
RLK! 2ND BIRTHDAY
LAYMON NURSERY RHYME
A PASSAGE TO LAYMON
Each week, we'll upload a paragraph from a Laymon novel. Those who can correctly guess which novel it comes from, will go into the running to win our RLK! 2nd Birthday Killer Read Packs. Two winners will be picked each week of December!
Each winner will receive paperback copies of AFTER MIDNIGHT by Richard, HARLOT'S MOON by Ed Gorman, DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS by Steven Spruill, GUESTS by Bentley Little, LOVEDEATH by Dan Simmons and LIGHT ERRANT by Chaz Brenchley!
December 25 - 31 Winners! - well....sort of.
He knew he should take that single step forward. Or better yet, stride boldly by and just happen to glance over as he passed. But he couldn't. Instead, he backed silently away.
The paragraph for the final week, week four, was from Dark Mountain! And, yes, we know it was a hard one. So hard, in fact, that no one guessed it correctly! When this happens, we throw the prizes open to anyone who at least tried to answer it correctly. So, this week's winners of the RLK! 2nd Birthday Killer Read Packs are:
Karen Fry, Aus
Anna Woods, Aus
December 19 - 24 Winners!
'You don't get me going in there,' Lynn said as Hank pulled out of the parking lot. He glimpsed the burning hotel in the rear-view mirror. 'I mean, Elizabeth Mordock's body is in there.'
The paragraph for week three was from Midnight's Lair! Well done to all those who entered and guessed correctly. The winners of the RLK! 2nd Birthday Killer Read Packs for week three are:
Ed Richards, USA
David Floyd, UK
December 10 - 18 Winners!
They all stared at Earl. He lay on his back, arms and legs spread out, eyes shut, mouth open. His right cheek wore the rosy imprint of Barbara's fist. Otherwise, he looked okay. Except that he wasn't moving.
The paragraph for week two was from QUAKE! Well done to all those who entered and guessed correctly. The winners of the RLK! 2nd Birthday Killer Read Packs for week two are:
Helen Cheeseman, USA
Jens Dury, Ger
December 1 - 9 Winners!
Free of the cuffs, they ran. Lander led the way, taking them across the clearing toward the place where the other three had vanished into the timber.
The paragraph from week one was from THE WOODS ARE DARK! Well done to all those who entered and guessed correctly. The winners of the RLK! 2nd Birthday Killer Read Packs for week one are:
Jason Lominski, Aust
Natasha Riley, UK
Thanks to Hodder Headline Australia, Hodder Headline UK, Richard Laymon, Mike Bailey, Edward Petrie, and Rachel Van Zanten for all their help with this competition. We couldn't have done it without you!